


Tubbo has trauma

by stingraysmiley



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, TommyInnit Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), no beta we die like Schlatt in the Camarvan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29198547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stingraysmiley/pseuds/stingraysmiley
Summary: Tubbo was a lot more quiet than Tommy remembered....a scene that is 100% canon. no questions pls :)Addressing Tubbo's trauma for him cuz he wont do it himself.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 5
Kudos: 182





	Tubbo has trauma

Tubbo is a lot more quiet than Tommy remembered. No longer would he rant for hours on end about some stupid science thing that he learned about a day prior. No longer would he enthusiastically make random and unintentionally hilarious comments. The last time Tommy can recall Tubbo speaking with fervor in his voice is when...when he and Tubbo were fighting in the remains of the community house. His passion quickly dissipated after Tommy said something he’d prefer not to think about. Then came the dawn of chaos. The entire time Tommy can't recall a single instance where Tubbo spoke unless he was responding to someone-and even then, the responses were short and clipped. Since the destruction of L’Manberg the two agreed to put the past behind them and just be best friends again, no baggage attached. But for some reason Tubbo isn’t acting like how he would have before. Since they now both live in Tommy’s house they spend a lot of time in close proximity to one another.Both tried to mind their own business but sometimes Tommy would catch Tubbo, with bags under his eyes, stare at nothing with lifeless eyes. But every time Tommy catches his attention he reverts back to normal and gives Tommy a soft smile. 

Tommy invites Tubbo to take part in various (semi-destructive) shenanigans. He offers to egg Punz’s house. He comes up with the genius idea of starting a rabbit foot business. He asks Tubbo to help him scam Bad. He’s dismissed every time. The divide between the two boys only grows with each rejection. Was Tubbo creating the distance on purpose? Why? They’d already talked their feelings out. It was one sleepless night where Tommy told Tubbo  _ everything _ and when Tommy was finished talking Tubbo didn't say a word but embraced his best friend tighter than ever. No, Tommy did _ not  _ cry. Anyone who tells you differently is a lying bastard. But, anyways, they really did  _ talk _ about their feelings, so why did it feel like Tubbo was a complete stranger?

No. No. They’re not strangers. They’re practically brothers.Tommy wants to spend time with Tubbo. Hell, He’ll even let the other boy choose the activity, even if it's probably gonna be something really boring. Currently Tommy was in his house alone, but he knew where to find Tubbo. He cycled between the same three places when not actively engaged in an activity. He was either at the charred remains of his jungle base, lying awake in his relatively small room in Tommy’s house, or at the very top of the ‘Disruption Tower’, overlooking what was once their nation.Tubbo wasn't home and his belongings were all still in his chest, so he must be at the top of the tower. Walking through the tunnel, the destruction of his nation is laid before him. With a gulp he scans the area for the tower he built while in exile the first time. Walking inside he gripped the sides of the wooden ladder, careful not to give himself a splinter, and made his way up. On his way up he thought about what he was going to say. Tommy has been trying his best to do that more. 

  
  


All too quickly Tommy reached the final step and heaved himself up on the cobblestone roof.

Slightly out of breath from his climb Tommy wheezes, “Hey Big T, What’s up?”

He hears a sharp intake of air and Tubbo’s shoulders tense up and his head whips around. His friend’s eyes are manic for a split second, then Tubbo seems to recognize him and lets out a heavy breath.His panic seems to be gone but his shoulders are still tense. Clearing his throat Tubbo responds, “Hey Tommy. Just Thinkin’ about stuff, y’know. ‘Lotta history here '' Tubbo turns away from Tommy to continue to look down into the harsh crater that used to be their home.

Tommy, pleasantly surprised by the chattiness of Tubbo responds with an enthusiastic “YEAH BITCH!” which makes Tubbo chuckle. “No but seriously,” Tommy continues, “Wilbur started something amazing”, smiling to himself Tommy says quieter, “Wilbur was amazing”

Tubbo opens and closes mouth almost hesitating, but finally Tubbo says “I guess... Wilbur  _ did  _ kinda set me up to fail though” Tubbo gives a weak laugh to diffuse the discomfort in his bones. “Man, I was an awful president” the shorter one says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

A New L’Manberg pin is still displayed on Tubbo’s lapel, it's covered in dirt and grime, but he still wears it. Tommy wants to comfort Tubbo. He thinks about what to say for a moment and settles on, “You might've acted bad in the first half but I think you did the best you could at the end” 

Tommy isn't sure he said the right thing.

The air stills. Time seems to slow. Despite the air already being paper thin, it becomes even harder to breathe. Tubbo, still not looking away from the crater speaks with no emotion in his voice, “What do you mean”

“Well, let's be honest here, you kinda were drunk off power at the start...y’know...exiling me and all…” Tommy and Tubbo seldom spoke about the actual event of the exiling of Tommy. They only spoke about his time with Dream during exile. This was new territory. Logically Tommy should be cautious with his words, but Tommy has yet to vent his frustrations with Tubbo’s presidency since he and the former president made up.Maybe he was a bit bitter. Maybe he still held a grudge. So what?

  
  


Tubbo’s eyes scanned the ground “I-I’m sorr-”

“Tubbo you were really a shit person for doing that to me. You acted just like  _ Schlatt _ ”

Silence.

Regret.

“I- sorry Tubbo. That was too far. I didn't really mean it.”

Silence.

Tension.

Something seemed to shift in Tubbo’s mind because his guilty posture morphed into something more uptight and frustrated. Tubbo whipped his head to face Tommy and stood up, “No! You know what no! It wasn't too far! I know you meant it. You wanna know  _ how  _ I know? It's because you've called me that before! I wasn’t power hungry. Tommy I  _ had _ to make that choice. Your actions  _ forced me  _ to make that choice! I never ever  _ ever _ ask anything of you but the one time I do, the one time it matters, you ignored me and once again, I faced the consequences.”

  
  


The sudden burst of anger took Tommy aback but he instinctively shifted to being defensive. Tommy was like a gasoline spill. Easy to set off and when he found even the smallest of sparks he would  _ burn _ . Tommy shouted back “That doesn't matter. You have no fucking idea what Dream put me through” his voice cracks “You have no idea what its like to be manipulated by a tyrant like that. And It was because of  _ you _ .”

Tubbo, with tears in his eyes replies “Tommy I’m sorry for that. I really  _ really  _ am. Thankfully you got the help you needed from a family that loves you.” his voice raised “But you can't just-just-just sit here and tell me I don't know what it's like to be manipulated, to be  _ abused _ by a dictator. How do you think I felt with Schlatt!?”

Uh oh.

Tubbo never  _ ever _ spoke about Schlatt and his time with him. On the extremely rare occasions when he did talk about Schlatt it was the good stuff ,‘Schlatt got me a suit’ or ‘Schlatt’s letting me plan the festival’ but since his death Tubbo hasn't said a thing about the man.

So the fact that Tommy caused his best friend to start talking about it now- means he fucked up.

“It-it was awful Tommy” Tubbo tearily said, “But I did it because  _ you _ asked me to. Schlatt  _ abused and manipulated me _ while you were safely on the sidelines, barely thinking about your-your little sidekick. Surely he’d be fine. Being a traitorous spy for a violent drunk dictator. Surely he can handle being the Secretary of State, spy for Pogtopia, festival coordinator, babysitter for-not one but two crazed adults. Meanwhile you were building  _ useless towers _ because you thought it-it was fun. What about me? Schlatt wasn't a nice guy. You knew that. But you asked me to spy anyways and never  _ once _ asked if I was doing okay. It took me _ literally dying  _ for you to care.”

Tommy started to respond but was quickly cut off by Tubbo, “I’m sorry you never saw me visit you, but I did. I really did. Even while you were with Technoblade, the man who killed me by the way, I asked if you were okay. I still cared. I-I thought you were  _ dead. _ I thought you  _ killed yourself _ because of  _ me _ and you go and call me a monster.Compare me to the one man I never want to be like. You did it because you  _ knew _ it would hurt me.”

Tommy realized Tubbo was not to be interrupted, so he just listened. Tubbo would do the same for him.

A wet laugh escapes from Tubbo’s throat “And the funniest thing is you don't even realize that I’ve done  _ everything  _ for you. Tubbo points a finger to his friend’s chest. “I didn't join L’Manberg because of Wilbur, I joined because of  _ you _ . Wilbur came into the server wanting to exploit us, and guess what, he did. Wilbur was in the wrong the whole time. He-he never fought for freedom, he just wanted conflict. He stole our fucking childhood! But-but you would ask me to do something and I'd always agree. But after I gave you what you wanted, you leave. Onto something bigger. Onto something that would benefit you more.”

Did Tubbo feel this way their entire friendship?

The anger seemed to dissipate from the air and with a heavy sigh the distressed boy continues “I did everything for you.I gave you everything. Everything I had. Everything I am. An-and the one time I ask, no,  _ beg _ , you to do something. Something for your own benefit by the way, you ignore me. Then you have the audacity to call me the one who betrayed our friendship? You chose the discs over me!” ,he said through gritted teeth. “Do you even- Do you even care about me-”

Without a second thought Tommy threw himself at the smaller boy and wrapped his arms around the other into a bone crushing one sided hug.

Tubbo completely stills. He doesn’t hug back, but he doesn't resist either. Then, he finally...finally...finds the courage to speak, “I’m so so sorry, Tubbo”

Even though Tommy couldn't see Tubbo’s face he just knew Tubbo was shocked. It was like his entire body was rebooting. Tubbo’s trembling hands raised from his sides starting to grip onto Tommy’s shirt. The tears that threatened to escape Tubbo this entire time finally spilled. And he wept. He wept for the loss of his home. Wept for the loss of his safety. Wept for the loss of his childhood.

The sobs were loud and anguished. It was the product of seemingly a lifetime of bottling up emotions.

Tommy has been an awful friend. All this time, Tubbo was holding this in. Tommy was selfish to think his were the only problems that mattered. 

And so, the boy wailed into the uncaring night.

After what felt like hours, the crying finally began to subside.

“I-” Tubbo hiccuped “I’m so sorry. Everything is my fault . L’Manberg blowing up twice under my presidency, it's my fault. it's my fault for exiling you. I'm so so so sorry Tommy. Please.” Tubbo began crying into Tommy’s shirt once more.  _ Did Tubbo truly feel this way? Does he think that way because of...me? _

“No! Tubbo it's not your fault. You said it before, we’re just kids. You were just left to clean up the mess of others.” Tommy was  _ not _ crying but he struggled to say, “Lets just go somewhere more comfortable and just talk. That sound good, big man?” Wordlessly, Tubbo nodded. Although tears wordlessly flowed his gaze was dull and unfocused.

Tommy guided his best friend down the ladder and held his hand to bring him towards the one place the two of them felt loved. The bench. Tommy sat Tubbo down and went to get a disc. Not his original disc but instead a nearly identical copy. Putting the green record into the jukebox he took a seat next to the ex-president. 

Midway through the melody Tubbo began to regain the life in his eyes. He wiped his teary eyes with his red bandana which was gifted to him by Tommy. “That was kinda embarrassing. Sorry about... y’know...that”

Despite the situation this caused the taller to erupt in a full blown laughter. It was a chain reaction and Tubbo followed suit.

When the laughter finally subsided the two sat in an uncomfortable silence. Neither party knew what to say. To address it or to ignore the elephant in the room. Tommy was not known for his cowardice. “So uhh” Tommy began, “you want to talk about um... _ him _ ...y’know the” Tommy raised both his pointer fingers and stuck them in his hair. It was a poor imitation of horns at best. “Yknow”

Tubbo gave a light chuckle “I-I’m not sure...maybe a little.” He gulped “um y'know, Schlatt wasn't a great guy...I’m not too sure if ready to get into the bad stuff right away but...thank you for caring.”

Tommy feels as though this isn’t the end to their conversation. A question makes itself apparent isn’t the forefront of his mind. “How did you not get angry when you escaped from the uh situation. When I realized what Dream was doing I was  _ pissed _ . I wanted nothing more than to take him down. How did you not get angry Tubbo? How do you not...lash out, i guess?”

  
  


With a polite smile Tubbo responds, “Well, after I joined Pogtopia I felt a lot of things. I was kinda bitter and upset towards Big Q. I mean, even though he suffered through some of the same things as me it didn’t change that-that he  _ knew _ what Schlatt was doing to me. He knew what Schlatt had planned for me. And said nothing. Me and Quackity kinda bonded while under Schlatt. We never really said anything about how we were treated but I think we both just knew. I’d cover for him and sometimes he’d cover for me. A-and when I was executed i felt like I was being betrayed on all sides. Quackity betrayed our unspoken bond. Techno betrayed me. I even felt like you betrayed me at some point...but I don’t really feel that way anymore. I understand now that it was a difficult situation all around.”

Once again Tubbo avoids talking about the root of the problem so Tommy pressed, “what about Schlatt?”

Tubbo looks as though he’d been struck. His head downcast. He looks ashamed, as though he was about to be told off by a parent. “Schlatt…” he gains a wistful look in his eye “My emotions about Schlatt are complicated. Logically I know how I should feel, right? I should be  _ livid _ that he executed me. I should  _ hate him _ for what he did to me. But-but somehow, I wasn't… I guess I’m still not mad. Cuz- cuz in his eyes,  _ I  _ was the traitor. He trusted me, he said he considered me his right hand man. He called me his very own  protégé ! And I betrayed him!’ Tubbo grabbed thick locks of disheveled brown hair in both hands “I betrayed him!” Tubbo slowly begins releasing his hands from his hair “but-but he really did have me killed. It hurt  _ so bad, _ Tommy.” Tubbo brought his shaking hands up to a patch on his face that was not as smooth as the rest. A scar from the rocket that killed him.” I still think about it.”

The gulp from Tubbo was audible enough for Tommy to hear. “Schlatt put me through hell and back and I have the scars the prove it...but the very worst part out of all of this is that I...I miss him”

  
  


Tommy’s head whipped around and his eyebrows raised dramatically, “WHAT!?” he exclaimed.

“I know! I know! He-he-he was so  _ awful _ to me. He manipulated me. He abused me. He  _ killed _ me. But for some reason I...I still miss him. I know I sound insane. I know it sounds crazy but...

Even though he hurt me there would be these-these moments… these moments where he would be good. where he would be kind. He’d give me funny nicknames. He’d tell me about how he couldn't run the country without me. He would tell me that he appreciated me and all that I do. He’d even apologize for everything he did. Every bottle he threw. Every insult he hurled at me.

Even now, I still have no idea if the moments of kindness were points of clarity for him in his angry drunken haze, or if he was just trying to manipulate me the whole time. If he was just a cold blooded bastard through and through. If he knew that even after he was gone, he’d still have a hold over me. Still torture me.” Tommy’s face is impassive and non-judgemental. Tubbo blushes as if embarrassed to be seen in this state and he breaks eye contact. “I uh, I even thought about trying to summon him” Tubbo scratches the back of his neck in discomfort. 

Tommy inhales sharply through gritted teeth, “It doesn’t matter Schlatt’s intentions, you need to stop making excuses for him! Tubbo he-he-he hurt you. He hurt you real bad”

Tubbo’s breath hitches. He scans the ground with narrowed eyes, “Then...then what am I supposed to do? How do I stop  _ feeling this way _ ?”

Tommy puts both his hands on Tubbo’s shoulders so they're looking each other in the eyes, “You cry”

Tubbo began crying once more.

**Author's Note:**

> literally just purging Tubbo fics from my google docs


End file.
